The Day After

I dread this day the most of a mission experience. The day after it ends. I always have to prepare my heart and mind for when it ends. When we go back to our own worlds. I always beg God to help me guard my heart and wonder why He made me so sensitive and relationship oriented. One moment we are in the Guatemala airport laughing our heads off, and then we touchdown in Atlanta and it's an awkward hug and a rushed goodbye. 

And then it’s quiet. We spent seven days on a school bus, sharing bunk rooms, staying up late and talking. I have never laughed so hard, cried so much, smiled for so long, and felt so much joy with a team. We shared our hearts, our stories, our deep secrets and longings, and our disappointments. We survived earthquakes, no running water, long days, late nights, and endless peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And once we get home, it’s quiet again. 

Team members upload their photos, make their Instagram posts, and go back to life. Some go back to school, and others go to work. We become busy and the GroupMe is silent. 

It’s hard to adjust whether everyone wants to admit it. We are trauma bonded. And people don’t get it. They don’t understand what we saw or the rush of seeing over 220 patients in a day with whatever supplies we could fit in suitcases. Friends, family, and coworkers will ask “how was it?” and want just a 30 second highlight reel. They might even bring up the 5.7 earthquake they saw on the news, but the conversation moves on. 

I hate it. And not a shocker to anyone who knows me, there are a lot of tears. My last post echoes the same sentiments- I feel purposeless, I’m nervous about another year of teaching, and I’m scared of my future. I love who I am in Guatemala. I love listening to others and their stories and now I’m back home and I wonder how God will use me beside me teaching kids how to read and solve addition problems. I don’t regret building these relationships with the team members and community friends. I just mourn and grieve the American version and I know others must feel the same way. 

God is working through this. I rejoice in all these feelings. I rejoice in watching a teen find a possible career path after learning from a professional. I rejoice in watching another teen feeling confirmed in her dream after leading the eye exams all week. I rejoice in watching two young adults growing in their leadership skills and confidence. I rejoice in listening to disappointments and memories of past trips because I know God is there. I rejoice in bonding with a leader, listening to a friend improve their Spanish skills and their ability to make friends so fast, and two new friends experiencing the Guatemala I love. I rejoice in quiet discussions of future dreams and trips. 

So for now, I will live out Psalm 105:1-7

“Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always you his servants, the descendants of Abraham, his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.

He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth. He remembers his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations”

 I know that this is a part of the mission experience- the day after. But it is not the end of the experience. There will be messages sent, posts liked, and prayers heard by God. I am fully aware God made me sensitive and emotional for a reason, to be relationship oriented for a purpose. I love hard, feel deeply, and feel so incredibly proud of watching my team grow and live fully. I praise God and will tell of what He did to anyone who will listen and even though it’s quiet now, His love and promises are not. 

I don’t think I will ever not feel this way after a trip but I know God is working. As we separate and take our experiences into our own corners of the world, His story is being told and His kingdom is being built. And for that, I rejoice in the day after, no matter how hard it may be. 

Hasta luego, Sara Rouner